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Both fighters were weighed in this morning. Both fighters threatened the scale. Both fighters left without commenting. The numbers below are provisional — neither camp has signed off and neither camp is going to.
The press conference was held in the parking lot of a Holiday Inn off the Long Island Expressway. The rat showed up early. The rat did not, technically, speak. The rat is, technically, a heavy favourite.
Tremendous fight. Tremendous opponent. The rat is a very big rat — the biggest, frankly. People are saying the rat is bigger than they have ever seen. We're going to win. We have always won. The rat will sign autographs afterward. So will I.
[The rat declined to comment. The rat continued chewing on a slice of pizza. The pizza was, the rat indicated by gesture, larger than it had been in the past. The rat left the press conference on its own terms.]
Look, the rat is great. The rat — believe me — the rat is great. We have been training in Mar-a-Lago. The rat has been training in the subway. Different training. Same result. We will see who comes out the alley alive.
The poster was printed at four in the morning by a man named Sully in a basement in Queens. Sully has been printing fight posters since 1982. Sully has never printed one this fast. The ink is still wet on three of them.
The poster has been pasted onto every lamp post between here and Yonkers. The lamp posts did not consent. The lamp posts will be informed by Tuesday. By Tuesday the fight will be over and the poster will already be a collectible.
Twelve rounds. No referee. No exit. Both fighters have agreed to settle the entire purse in $TRUMPHANTA.
The fight is twelve rounds. The fight may end earlier. The fight may end later. The judges have not been appointed. The judges, frankly, have refused. The fight is being scored by the chart.
Both fighters circle the centre of the ring. Trump throws an executive order. The rat ducks. The rat throws a slice of pizza. Trump catches it.
Trump lands three jabs. Two of them land in the New York Times. The rat lands one jab — it lands directly on the New York Times' subway platform.
The rat is going to the body. The body is the chart. The chart absorbs three sustained body shots and closes green.
Both fighters fall into a clinch. The referee, who is not present, does not separate them. They remain clinched for the next eight rounds.
Trump throws a tariff. The tariff misses. The rat throws a hook. The hook also misses. Both punches land on the audience.
The bell-ringer fell asleep. Both fighters continue. Round six lasts seven minutes. Nobody complains. Nobody can. Bell-ringer is now also asleep on-chain.
The rat feints with the left, comes back with the right. Trump is not affected because Trump is not where the rat thought Trump was. The rat is, briefly, embarrassed. The rat recovers.
Trump throws a four-piece combination. Three of the four are signed into law. The fourth is vetoed by the rat, who is somehow now also on the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Both fighters get their second wind. The second wind is sponsored. The second wind has been pre-paid in $TRUMPHANTA. Neither fighter knows what the contract is.
A man in the third row offers to fight either fighter. Both fighters decline. The man fights himself. The man wins.
The judges' scorecards are read out. The judges are not present. The scorecards have been completed by the chart. The chart has scored all eleven rounds 10-10. The chart does not, technically, know how scoring works.
The final bell does not ring. Both fighters raise both fists. The arena erupts. The chart erupts. Both fighters win simultaneously. The other one wins more, depending on which corner you are in.
Before the main event there are three more fights. None of them have a referee either. The chart is, at this point, working overtime.
